Who's, What's, When's, Where's Yeti?

Yeti pleads with my readers: "What am I?" he pleads.

Who is Yeti? We've come so close to knowing him intimately (what do you call all the photographs?), but do we really know him? I mean, do we have a working definition? What do the scholarly type people say? Do they like Yeti? Do they like like Yeti? I personally think they've got a crush on him, don't you? Wouldn't that be adorable? Let's find out like only we can! With Academic Investigation Utilizing the Latest and Most Rigorous Methodologies! ...BEGIN!

Here's what we know as FACT:

Yeti haunts the valleys and crevices of the Tundra, and provokes feelings of terror in the esophagus, which, for those of you who don't know, is an area of the throat.

Yeti has been known to ululate. For those of you who don't know, to ululate is to provoke fear in the esophagus.

Those are the facts as I have compiled them. What follows are the various "conjectures" of known and affiliated scientists and sages, both from the Himalayas directly, or the nearby provinces. These are not facts, only theories. It is best if they are taken with a side of beef and three quarts of weak whiskey.

Theories, Theories, Get your Theories while Their [sic] HOT!

Theory # 1 Yeti is a Victim of Genetical Decay!
According to some investigators, Yeti and his kin are descendants of the Ao-re, an ancient people that fled into the mountains to escape their enemies. In the following millennia, they degraded to a race of monstrous creatures. Being cowardly will do that to you!

Theory # 2 Yeti is a Demonic Shaman of the Tantric Order!
Theorists who spout this theory do so by using words to this effect: Yeti can resist cold, levitate, propel himself forward at high intense speeds, and control others' minds. Who else has these abilities but a Demonic Shaman of the Tantric Order? No one. Who else would be motivated to disguise themselves as a monstrous creature such as Yeti? No one. No one but Yeti that is.

Theory # 3 Yeti is a Guardian of the Gates to Another Dimension!
Yeti roams the mountainous lands and prevents intruders or trespassers from passing through the gates to alternate worlds. Probably he is in cahoots with paranormal creatures such as aliens or other paranormal creatures. He is not necessarily evil; perhaps Yeti protects us. Maybe humans would die if they entered the Gates of Atlantis.

Theory # 4 Yeti is a Type of Thing That is Described with Many Confusing Words!
During the late occidental Mousterian culture, relic populations of Cro-Magnoid developed into allochthonous or autochthonous soanian-mousterian civilizations of Markansou, thus hybridizing into occurrences with different timings. (Ed. note: Huh?)

Theory # 5 Yeti is a Byproduct of Mother Nature's Crazy Imagination!
This theory suggests that Yeti is nothing more than an animal, albeit one we know very little about. The proponents of this theory are known as kleptozullogeists. They also believe that the Loch Ness Monster is a dinosaur or some other type of lizard and NOT a robot from beyond the Moon. Kraptozeitgeistology is very popular among the people who use the Net. They have made bulletin boards, I hear, where people in their club can post things about what they know involving their supposed "Natural" theory of Yeti. To them, Yeti is just a super-gorilla! I hate this theory!

Theory # 6 Yeti is a Geological Holograph!
If you believe in this theory, then you don't believe Yeti even exists. Or rather, you do, only you think he's see-through. According to people like you, the "Abominable Snowman" is really the "Immaterial Snow-sham". He is caused by the forces of the land conspiring against you. Those who see Yeti in his splendor are really seeing an illusion caused by light and matters physiographical.

Theory # 7 Yeti is a Wild Man of the Woods!
This has something to do with 'archetypes' that cultures around the world have employed in their myths and folklore. If I had half an idea what it meant, I'd tell you. I think we can all agree though, no matter what, that Yeti is a "Wild Man of the Woods"! This is probably the most valid and "truth-real" of all the theories.

Enough of what Academia thinks, what do you, the Illiterate Unfettered Masses think? You are the ones that get to truly define Yeti in the Modern Time. Pick a Theory and claim it as truth. That's all you have to do. I'll do the rest. I have terrible power.