CEPHALOPODMAS
We here at "I Love The Yeti" want it known that, even though we do love the yeti, we also love the cephalopod. So in honor of Cephalopodmas, I hereby offer the following gift shopping guide.
Why a gift guide? Because even those celebrating Cephalopodmas this year still have to get presents for family members and the occasional bus-driver.
Domestic tensions? Home-made gifts always do the trick. How about a hand-crafted Snowy the Yeti!? According to the site, "many fear him not knowing that he loves making new friends". Sounds like a stocking stuffer to me. Also sounds like Cephalopodmas magic in the making.
Do you know someone who likes their yeti soft and ductile? Or, are you afraid that your little brother will violently hurl any yeti that they get for Cephalopodmas at you? Does the subsequent injuries you will incur from said fraternal projectile give you the worries? Fear not... for the good people of the toy business have made yeti extra-cushy just in time for the Season. The dang thing can hit you in the head and you will lose no consciousness - they practically guarantee it.
Next year, expect the technology to permit the creation of the Nano-Yeti, but this year we're stuck with just the Micro-Yeti. Still though, it's pretty fantastic all-considering. Our ancestors would be cholking (a variant spelling of the more common choking) on their comestibles (a variant spelling of the more common combustibles) if they saw it. Back then they just had Mega-Yeti; the technology could only permit the creation of HUGE yeti. You know, each year they just keep getting smaller and smaller. The Micro-Yeti will fit in a pocket and about four of them can fit in a pita. That's modernity for you.
Your kin are craving a hot bowl of stew, and if they have their druthers, it will be guarded over by a yeti. The Bowl of Yeti, now available in the finer stores, is a protective chalice. All stew, soup, and noodle dishes will be protected by the fetishized yeti overseer. The Abominable Snowman has long been thought to be a patron saint of sorts to all bowled foods. Now your family and the bus-driver can enjoy the savory spoils while being assured of the lack of contamination by foreign particles.
A young child, particularly one that is bored by what passes for the standard kids fare these days, will appreciate the Yeti Barbie.
On the other hand, a young child that is still thrilled by standard kids fare will not feel threatened by the Well-Groomed Yeti. Not intended as a toy, the industrial filling solution used in the blending processes involved in the creation of titanium biophosphate strongly resembles a yeti figurine - so such so, that it might be deemed non-threatening to an un-bored child of significant age that needs a gift come Cephalopodmas-time. Using a comb or other horse-grooming utensil, the child can proceed to give hair-care to the yeti, which already appears to be sufficiently groomed. This will instill a sense of self-worth and esteem - a gift far more meaningful and lasting than say, a spatula.
If you want to get your "Special Other" a present and saying nice things to them won't cut it, buy them a diamond ring. But if that diamond ring won't shine, mama's gonna buy them a yeti made from 100% real metal! Wow the socks and shoes off your lover when they see what's in store for them. Tell them it's not from you, but actually from an octopus. When they become baffled at this, explain that octopi can accomplish amazing things, and we're still learning all about their uncanny ways. Tell them about how they can escape through tiny holes and are smarter than anything. Romance will flourish in the hearts of you and thine.
You will have to wait six months before buying it, but if you give your gift-recipient an IOU with the name of this book written on it: Monsters!: Draw Your Own Mutants, Freaks & Creeps, they will totally freak!
Who is that on the right? Is that yeti? At the very least, it's a phantom yeti. For one lucky person, it's going to be Cephalopodmas in July!
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