Yeti=Snow Troll Redux, and Thanksgiving

Sometimes I advocate that yeti is nothing more than a snow troll.

It's just a hobby of mine. Something to do between watching football games and actually playing football games.

Note: I neither play nor watch football games.

Snow trolls are very "thanksgiving"-ly oriented to me, and so in honor of the season and the fact that I found another picture of a snow troll that resembles a yeti, I am posting about it now.

Have a happy thanksgiving!

Future of Yeti

You know, just because yeti is naked, feral, frozen, and living in cave doesn't mean yeti will be doing that forever.

People change. Look at us humans. We were naked, feral, frozen, and living in cave once, too. How you like us now? Same thing could happen to the yeti.

Today, I'd like to look at the Future of the Abominable Snowman. What will happen? What is the Destiny of the Cold One? Could the destiny be... in the stars?!



At the very least, yeti will be wearing futuristic clothes. That much can be extrapolated from recent trends. Will he be a dapper sophisticate? Thanks to the stylistic musings of visionary Reilly Brown, we can see the definitive articulation of that question's answer when in the affirmative.



There is nothing colder than space. So the "ice-quatch" will have no trouble fitting in. Their space-suits might even be cheaper than ours.



But what if yeti never rises up to this kind of level? What if aliens just employ them as henchman in their nefarious plots to foil Terran ambitions? Hey, sounds good to me. Don't knock it.



OR PERHAPS YETI WILL BE CYBORGINATED INTO ROBOTIC FORM.



The ultimate destination in the yeti evolution may be to become totally synthetic. And probably able to transform. Into like, say, a boat.

No matter the outcome, yeti is here to stay.

The Abominable Green?!-man?

Can you picture yeti singing "It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green"?

Today I would like to explore the possibility that our Man-Beast is not just murderous, but verdurous.

It’s not as if I’ve never considered the notion. The Hulk, as everyone knows, is green, and readers might remember I have a tendency to confuse him with yeti (even though they are reportedly mortal enemies). I have also posted in the past about "yeti sanction", whatever that is.

So sure, the Emerald Ape Theory and I have crossed paths. I’ve been a skeptic though. Surely nothing that lives in the frozen wastes of the Arctic Tibetan Tundra would be colored green. Right? That would be thoroughly inane. But then I saw this:



Isn’t Dr. Seuss’ "Grinch"character basically a yeti? Besides living alone in an ice cave, they’re both furry, mean-tempered, naked, and have a pet dog. Could our man "Theo" be on to something?

Using Grinch as a starting place, I decided to take a pictorial look at where else the elusive yeti may be hiding, all verdant-hued and cowardly cowering, in that hallowed place called Popular Culture.



Invisible Green Yeti follows around old men with canes. How abominable.




Yeti is meticulously sculpted with this coloring. The Jade Beast of Bhutan?



And children are expected to make companions with plush versions. Is Oscar the Grouch (Grinch?) really just a Tibetan refugee?




For the "action figure" crowd, there are plastic toys with the chromatic theme.



And suits for the Halloween.



Finally, would it surprise you to know that the Jolly Green Giant is involved!?!

Didn’t think it would; that guy is everywhere.

But seriously, there actually is a connection. I’ll let mr. awesome-dude Loren Coleman* explain on his blog.


* Loren Coleman is responsible for getting this site on BoingBoing after posting about it himself. He notified me by email and signed it "Your Yeti Friend". Thanks, Loren Coleman!

Walrus-Man

Something I haven't seen put forward as a theory yet is the possibility that yeti is actually a walrus man.



Large biped? check.
Giant fangs (tusks)? check.
Carnivorous? check.
Inhabits frozen environs? check.

Picture this:

Strictly tellurian, the walrus-man has forsaken his evolutionary progenitors' semi-aquatic lifestyle - forgoing the arctic sea in favor of the inland sierra. A handful of Himalayan hikers have encountered the walrus-man, but few have lived to tell the tale. These traumatized survivors only remember tidbits concerning large fangs and a bellicose temperament. Not terribly up on their zoology, they misidentify the lumbering creature as ape-like. You know this creature by another name: "yeti".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's easy to see how yeti may be a walrus-man, but there's an additional possibility: Were-Walrus!... i.e. a being capable of transmogrifying itself into a hybrid of a human and the bloated, zoo-dwelling pinniped from the Lewis Carroll story.



Look what this site says:

"Alaskan Eskimos believed that in the mythological past all humans, animals, and spirits could change their physical forms at will. In the nineteenth century, only spirits and shamans retained the ability to undergo transformations. The belief in transformation explains the cautious way Alaskan Eskimos dealt with strangers and animals that behaved in peculiar ways. Such beings might have been dangerous supernatural characters or hostile shamans in disguise. The theme of a walrus-man transformation was commonly expressed in Eskimo material through the use of the double tusk motif."

Could yeti have vacationed in Alaska, thus inspiring the folklore?! Millions travel there all the time. If yeti were to go on holiday to the States, I think you know where he'd go. Especially if he was a walrus-man.

Pudding, as always, yields the proof.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

According to wikipedia:

"Walruses [and, ergo, 'Walrus-Men'] are among the only mammals in the world that do not process liquid waste via a bladder organ. Once digested, liquid waste is absorbed through the lining of the small intestine and secreted through the skin."

Maybe poet and mountain-climber Jack Elastiche wasn't just being whimsical when he composed his famous "The Yeti Does Not Pee (Like You or Me)".

If Elastiche knows something we don't, why is he being so mysteriously silent on the subject? And why disguise the truth in a children's poem? To laugh at us? Jack Elastiche, I'm calling you out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, based on the evidence at hand, I think it only natural to assume that, if yeti is in fact a walrus-man, he then hails from Astral Atlantis and is powered by an amulet.

They Might Be Yetis

Note the tag-line of this book about yeti: "GIANT APE MEN - THE TRUE FACTS". Yes, only here will you get the true facts about the giant ape men. Not like those other books with their false facts. Finally, a book with its authority backed up with redundancy.

The title comes from a Biblical quote describing the time of Noah and his Ark. Some people have taken it pretty literally as you can see here in this cartoon I found:



When I saw this, I immediately thought of the Lord of the Rings. Isn't that bearded fellow Gandalf? And doesn't that make the modern-day people Hobbits? We're all just yuppy Hobbits!

But I digress. There are some people who might very well believe that yeti are a degenerative race of people who survived the Flood. And some would say that they are really Fallen Angels. And then there are those that say yeti is both at the same time. That's what I don't get.

Yeti's True Form Revealed

There are two competing ideas about yeti's true form, or if you prefer, the physical representation it projects into

the physical realm (for you projection-theorists out there).

They are:

Yeti is a bear, nothing more.

Yeti is a "hominid" or some kind of man-like being, but certainly not a bear.

Which one is correct? The Answer, my friends, has been so obvious all along, and I am so pleased to finally put an end to the eternal raging conflict between these two contending factions! For BOTH are correct! But how?, you ask (understandably). How can this be?

One word answer: were-bears.



Yes, were-bears... polar were-bears to be precise.



You've heard of were-wolves? Same thing, except now bears. Why not "were-apes"? No such thing. Seriously. Google it, you'll see. No were-apes to be found. (UPDATE!) But plenty of were-bears.



In the above comic strip, a turtle ninja battles something. Is it yeti or a large polar bear/man hybrid? What if I were to tell you that they were one and the same? What would you say to that?

Well, you'd probably say: "Yes, I know. You've explained already about how they're the same, so I'm not surprised. You're just repeating yourself."

Then, um... Yeah! Excellent. ...Were-bears.

All Hail the Great Woolly Anthropoid!

Here is a short quiz to test your knowledge of Yeti:

1) The Yeti is...

(A) ...a rare intelligent cold climate ape.
(B) ...an isolated surviving Neanderthal speciman.
(C) ...a robotic servant of the Great Intelligence.
(D) ...the progenitor of the Aryan race.
(E) ...an escaped creature from an alien spaceship.
(F) ...a wandering religious hermit who avoids contact to preserve sense of spiritual harmony.

2) Who knows more about our favorite Shaggy Man-Beast?

(A) ...You
(B) ...Me
(C) ...The Sherpa

3) Who is the traitor that "claimed" the Yeti was nothing but a bear?

(A) ...You
(B) ...Sir Edmund Hillary
(C) ...Reinhold Messner
(D) ...Phil Collins

4) What is the Snowman's favorite food?

(A) ...Bratwurst
(B) ...The auras of its victims
(C) ...Yak
(D) ...Snowcones
(E) ...Alien babies
(F) ...Berries
(G) ...You

5) What are some other facts about the Hairy Himalayan Hominid?

(A) ...The people of Bhutan believe he is not only invisible, but his feet point backwards to avoid being tracked.
(B) ...Belgian zoologist, Dr. Bernard Heuvelmans, proposed a scientific name for Yeti, calling it Dinanthropoides nivalis.
(C) ...The Incredible Hulk once battled it.
(D) ...It sports a mohawk.
(E) ...All of the above.

Who's, What's, When's, Where's Yeti?

Yeti pleads with my readers: "What am I?" he pleads.

Who is Yeti? We've come so close to knowing him intimately (what do you call all the photographs?), but do we really know him? I mean, do we have a working definition? What do the scholarly type people say? Do they like Yeti? Do they like like Yeti? I personally think they've got a crush on him, don't you? Wouldn't that be adorable? Let's find out like only we can! With Academic Investigation Utilizing the Latest and Most Rigorous Methodologies! ...BEGIN!

Here's what we know as FACT:

Yeti haunts the valleys and crevices of the Tundra, and provokes feelings of terror in the esophagus, which, for those of you who don't know, is an area of the throat.

Yeti has been known to ululate. For those of you who don't know, to ululate is to provoke fear in the esophagus.

Those are the facts as I have compiled them. What follows are the various "conjectures" of known and affiliated scientists and sages, both from the Himalayas directly, or the nearby provinces. These are not facts, only theories. It is best if they are taken with a side of beef and three quarts of weak whiskey.

Theories, Theories, Get your Theories while Their [sic] HOT!

Theory # 1 Yeti is a Victim of Genetical Decay!
According to some investigators, Yeti and his kin are descendants of the Ao-re, an ancient people that fled into the mountains to escape their enemies. In the following millennia, they degraded to a race of monstrous creatures. Being cowardly will do that to you!

Theory # 2 Yeti is a Demonic Shaman of the Tantric Order!
Theorists who spout this theory do so by using words to this effect: Yeti can resist cold, levitate, propel himself forward at high intense speeds, and control others' minds. Who else has these abilities but a Demonic Shaman of the Tantric Order? No one. Who else would be motivated to disguise themselves as a monstrous creature such as Yeti? No one. No one but Yeti that is.

Theory # 3 Yeti is a Guardian of the Gates to Another Dimension!
Yeti roams the mountainous lands and prevents intruders or trespassers from passing through the gates to alternate worlds. Probably he is in cahoots with paranormal creatures such as aliens or other paranormal creatures. He is not necessarily evil; perhaps Yeti protects us. Maybe humans would die if they entered the Gates of Atlantis.

Theory # 4 Yeti is a Type of Thing That is Described with Many Confusing Words!
During the late occidental Mousterian culture, relic populations of Cro-Magnoid developed into allochthonous or autochthonous soanian-mousterian civilizations of Markansou, thus hybridizing into occurrences with different timings. (Ed. note: Huh?)

Theory # 5 Yeti is a Byproduct of Mother Nature's Crazy Imagination!
This theory suggests that Yeti is nothing more than an animal, albeit one we know very little about. The proponents of this theory are known as kleptozullogeists. They also believe that the Loch Ness Monster is a dinosaur or some other type of lizard and NOT a robot from beyond the Moon. Kraptozeitgeistology is very popular among the people who use the Net. They have made bulletin boards, I hear, where people in their club can post things about what they know involving their supposed "Natural" theory of Yeti. To them, Yeti is just a super-gorilla! I hate this theory!

Theory # 6 Yeti is a Geological Holograph!
If you believe in this theory, then you don't believe Yeti even exists. Or rather, you do, only you think he's see-through. According to people like you, the "Abominable Snowman" is really the "Immaterial Snow-sham". He is caused by the forces of the land conspiring against you. Those who see Yeti in his splendor are really seeing an illusion caused by light and matters physiographical.

Theory # 7 Yeti is a Wild Man of the Woods!
This has something to do with 'archetypes' that cultures around the world have employed in their myths and folklore. If I had half an idea what it meant, I'd tell you. I think we can all agree though, no matter what, that Yeti is a "Wild Man of the Woods"! This is probably the most valid and "truth-real" of all the theories.

Enough of what Academia thinks, what do you, the Illiterate Unfettered Masses think? You are the ones that get to truly define Yeti in the Modern Time. Pick a Theory and claim it as truth. That's all you have to do. I'll do the rest. I have terrible power.

Dog's Gang: "Yeti is in fact a ghost" (?!)

Scooby Doo's gang once had what they thought was a run-in with Yeti! They reported seeing him as a ghost-like figure. If this had been proven the case, it would have blown the lid off of, well, everything! Just think:

Yeti is in fact a ghost. That there, just by itself, is enough to make a grown man cry tears of a sort of painful but still pleasant joy. Not that Yeti isn't a ghost, but Scooby Doo's experience did not yield incontrovertible evidence of this theory's validity. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARNN!

    

Here's what happened:
The teenage gang went to a ski lodge and were greeted by a Mr. Greenway, the chuckling owner of the establishment. He warned them of Yeti's proximity, only he referred to him as "The Snow Ghost" and revealed that Yeti would turn them into ghosts if he caught them. Oh, if it were only true! After this, the teens spotted Yeti as soon as Mr. Greenway left, but instead of chasing them, he floated away up into the mountain. Yes, floated. I hope in truth Yeti is able to float! The pubescents pursued, but Yeti eluded. They found instead a cave inhabited by a Himalayan man who told them that he had killed Yeti in Asia and that this was in fact the ghost of Yeti seeking revenge on him. This is the stuff of fantasy!

The gang and their dog decided to look about for Yeti. What followed was quite an epic battle with Yeti over the next half-hour. It involved logs and buzzsaws, conveyer belts, dynamite, and catapults of snowballs. And at the end, in the grand confrontation, Yeti was finally, finally, captured!
Only he was revealed to be Mr. Greenway in disguise.



What possible motive did this crooked lunkhead have for guising himself in Yeti's mantle and battling young children and their humorous bloated pet creature? Apparently, he was employing the deception as a cover for his jewel-smuggling operation. He wanted to deter the meddlesome children from discovering his shameful criminal actions. So he wore a fur suit and transparent plastic skis so as to appear to float over the snow. I just can't tell you how disappointing this is. But what about the Himalayan man in the cave? What about him? He was not involved with Mr. Greenway's operation. He was completely honest and is an upstanding citizen in all ways. Did he really kill Yeti as he claimed? Let's hope that if he did, Yeti is now a ghost and can float.

A so-called theory

One theory making the rounds is that Bigfoot or Yeti are actually still-living remnants of the prehistoric creature known as Gigantopithecus. What do you think?

Personally, I think it's all bollocks. Either that, or extremely true.